Thursday, October 24, 2019
Perhaps if I'm the one who's dying, I would be less afraid. Perhaps dying is, in a sense, easier than being left behind. I'm afraid that they won't get to be part of the important events in my life, but who can stop death. Who can decide who stays and who goes. We can only try our best, do our best in the present moment.
What is important to you? Please, re-evaluate your life and pursue what is truly important.
Monday, September 17, 2018
Correction instead of comfort.
100% human indeed.
The closer you are, the more you think you need to speak your mind. I get it, I do it too.. but sometimes comfort/presence is enough because obviously I'm not perfect. AND, guess what? I know it. I mostly rant and forget about it. People rant to get it out of their systems, not to hear how to better themselves. (No longer angry at such things because "you shld expect to get these kind of replies if you want to complain." Sounds sort of similar to "you deserved the catcall/or worse because you wore so scantily" 🤔)
Recently I read this book on how to handle grief in a society that doesn't understand how. Ppl tell you all sorts of things but they sometimes fail to consider that the best way of comfort is just their presence. Because by saying anything at all is disapproving your grief, telling you to "get OVER it". (Like as if time really heals all hurt.) Ofc it comes from a good place, but it doesn't feel good to be on the receiving end.
A few days ago my colleague told me I need to learn design from the basics. I get what he meant; I was not angry, or sad, or anything. I know that I need to do better. But when your friends are telling you things like "maybe you were at fault", "maybe you should not be a designer", "maybe you should give up, try some other jobs", it makes me angry and sad and disappointed. Why can't we as humans be more understanding instead of TELLING others to be understanding? Meh, I shouldn't complain. Girl, reflect, don't react.
Wednesday, April 25, 2018
Let's start off with this- my definition (or also that of the dictionary) of mediocre is average, static, and monotonous- it's neither good nor bad, it's ordinary and not adequate.
This link to a forum I came across (ok, I googled) was interesting enough for me to put up a post while I'm preparing to go to sleep. Most of the comments are... sad.
Till next post. Good night!
This link to a forum I came across (ok, I googled) was interesting enough for me to put up a post while I'm preparing to go to sleep. Most of the comments are... sad.
(we're*- I can see that you have accepted the mediocre life)
(The average us)
(*cry*)
But then there's also some that makes sense.
So, the moral of the story (or this post) is it's all about your mindset. So pls, make the best of what you're doing. And if you don't enjoy what you're doing, stop and take a different turn. If you can't change lane, keep going forward until you see the opportunity to. Make the best of your ride because it belongs to you and you alone.
"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,"said the Cat.
"I don't much care where -" said Alice.
"Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat.
"- so long as I get SOMEWHERE," Alice added as an explanation.
"Oh, you're sure to do that," said the Cat, "if you only walk long enough.”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland
Till next post. Good night!
Sunday, March 25, 2018
I believe there's a container of sort in everyone.
We usually live our day to day life with the container nicely packed and tightly shut most of the time. But sometimes, it leaks. The bad emotions contained inside escapes- sometimes in small amount, sometimes more. Sometimes it explodes and it takes more effort than usual to try and put it all back into the container.
We usually live our day to day life with the container nicely packed and tightly shut most of the time. But sometimes, it leaks. The bad emotions contained inside escapes- sometimes in small amount, sometimes more. Sometimes it explodes and it takes more effort than usual to try and put it all back into the container.
Tuesday, February 21, 2017
It's so painful to watch and read news and articles on the disagreements on issues of politics, religions, faith and beliefs. Why can't humans just live our lives peacefully, just keep each other safe and respect their rights to believe in whatever they believe in? As long as we don't harm others, what wrong have we done?
Saturday, February 18, 2017
Came across some old wuxia dramas from the 2000s on YouTube (Demi Gods and Semi Devils 2003, The Legend of the Condor Heroes 2003, Chinese Paladin 1 2005) and I became nostalgic while browsing through some episodes.
Weekends used to be very different when we all lived as a family back then. I would go to the supermarket with my dad in the afternoon and decide what to have for dinner that day. We would prepare the ingredients and cook together in the evening then enjoy the television dramas all the way till 11pm/12am. The feelings that these memories bring along is so heart wrenching I cannot begin to tell you how painful it is that this is just a memory- it's not possible any more, at least not with all of us in the same household.
And these dramas, they bring such comfort to me. Those nights sitting on our bean bags (we don't have sofas or chairs) in the living room and munching on home cooked snacks are everything. I would love to have a chance to relive it all over again.
Weekends used to be very different when we all lived as a family back then. I would go to the supermarket with my dad in the afternoon and decide what to have for dinner that day. We would prepare the ingredients and cook together in the evening then enjoy the television dramas all the way till 11pm/12am. The feelings that these memories bring along is so heart wrenching I cannot begin to tell you how painful it is that this is just a memory- it's not possible any more, at least not with all of us in the same household.
And these dramas, they bring such comfort to me. Those nights sitting on our bean bags (we don't have sofas or chairs) in the living room and munching on home cooked snacks are everything. I would love to have a chance to relive it all over again.
Thursday, November 24, 2016
I came across the Vampire Academy movie yesterday on Youtube and it brought back memories of the time I read it when I was younger. As compared to Twilight, I liked this series (way) better. Even though some parts were written a little "childishly", it's mostly well written and well plotted.
Thinking about Jesse soon darkened my mood, unfortunately. I looked down. "I know you heard what people are saying, that I ---"I like that it's well balanced between romance, action and fantasy. I like that the main female protagonist is not a damsel in distress like Bella is in Twilight. I like how Dimitri is very trusting of Rose and her ability to protect herself and Lisa.
"I know it's not true," he interrupted.
His immediate, certain answer surprised me, and I stupidly found myself questioning it. "Yeah, but how do you ---"
"Because I know you," he replied firmly. "I know your character. I know you're going to be a great guardian."
Thursday, July 7, 2016
“I realized a long time ago, with a certain amazement, that no mattter how important something is in your life, no matter how huge it is, how much space it takes up in your heart and in your thoughts, unless you mention it to other people, they have no idea it exists."Missed opportunities are missed opportunities. There's no getting it back. Maybe a similar opportunity may be offered, but it'll be different- different context, different time, different me. My heart aches for the missed opportunities that I have to say goodbye to. Because I have to acknowledge the end before it has even started.
-Sharon Shinn
Friday, June 3, 2016
I find it painful that I can't put all my scattered thoughts into a whole piece of writing that flows. My mind just doesn't work that way. I can't even finish a thought and classify it done, much less try to connect it all into a string of words. So.. this year shall just be. Bye.
Tuesday, May 31, 2016
If I could choose,
I wouldn't choose this life.
If I could choose,
I would do it differently all over again.
If I could choose,
I would go back in time and tell me to be me.
No need to be mature, or considering of consequences.
If I could choose,
I would choose to be blind and deaf to these things around me.
If I could choose,
I would choose to be hard-hearted and selfish,
minus all the guilt.
If I could choose,
I would choose not to love the people who doesn't, and will not,
love me back.
If I could choose,
I would choose to live for myself, and only,
for myself.
If only I could choose.
I wouldn't choose this life.
If I could choose,
I would do it differently all over again.
If I could choose,
I would go back in time and tell me to be me.
No need to be mature, or considering of consequences.
If I could choose,
I would choose to be blind and deaf to these things around me.
If I could choose,
I would choose to be hard-hearted and selfish,
minus all the guilt.
If I could choose,
I would choose not to love the people who doesn't, and will not,
love me back.
If I could choose,
I would choose to live for myself, and only,
for myself.
If only I could choose.
Sunday, February 7, 2016
It's only the start of February, but I already feel like it's going to be a great year (or so I hope). If 2014 was mundane, 2015 was... even worst. Small excitements here and there, but mostly disappointments and embarrassment. But luckily, this year feels like it will be different; more exciting and positive.
2016 began with a trip to Japan; a place I never thought about visiting, and definitely not flying alone (albeit only for transit). Though I wouldn't say it's the best of my trips, it was still an experience, a good start to the year. My first winter, first flight alone, first concert, first language-barrier experience. Getting a job right after I came back was even more unexpected! I believe it was good timing. I am so grateful for so much; meeting people that I can click with; new and ex colleagues alike, a job opportunity for something that I truly like, chance to do and explore what I want to and love to. I'll do well to remember all of these in the hard times that's definitely going to come sooner or later in the year.
We'll do better this year.
2016 began with a trip to Japan; a place I never thought about visiting, and definitely not flying alone (albeit only for transit). Though I wouldn't say it's the best of my trips, it was still an experience, a good start to the year. My first winter, first flight alone, first concert, first language-barrier experience. Getting a job right after I came back was even more unexpected! I believe it was good timing. I am so grateful for so much; meeting people that I can click with; new and ex colleagues alike, a job opportunity for something that I truly like, chance to do and explore what I want to and love to. I'll do well to remember all of these in the hard times that's definitely going to come sooner or later in the year.
We'll do better this year.
Thursday, August 13, 2015
22 and I am still the same person I was years before- with the same "sincerity and honesty will win people over" mentality. Maybe it's time to grow out of that; maybe ability is more important than being sincere and having ideas is more important than honesty. I can't keep trying to comfort myself by telling myself that people will accept me by being real, because let's be real (no pun intended)- you cannot survive with just your heart, you need your brain.
Wednesday, June 10, 2015
I have all these thoughts in my mind and I don't know how they match up. Or maybe I do, I just keep suppressing them. I watched Ingrid Nilsen's coming out video earlier and I understand her stress of suppression because of society's views. (No, I'm not gay.)
I want to
"We all deserve our best chances." -Ingrid NilsenI'm forcing and stressing myself too much (and not doing anything about it). My mind keeps pulling and pushing between what I want to do and what I need to do; and I'm just stuck in between. After all these months I feel like I'm still not really doing what I want to do with enough resolution. I don't let myself fully enjoy doing what I want to do even though I have ALL the time to. I limit myself mentally even though I HAD time and space and the ability to do, because people disapproves, and people are judging. To a certain extent these are just excuses, but all I have in mind is "I need to find a job. I need to find a job. I need to find a job."
I want to
Thursday, May 14, 2015
I just watched a talk by Elle Luna on Creative Morning (article version here) and here I am, eager to type out what's on my mind.
Since young, I've always been told by my mum that I'm a drawer, even though I have no recollection of my artistic self when I was young. I only remembered crying ever so sadly when I was first left in an art class (or any other classes) that my mum registered me for. I don't know how many classes I took before I quit. I remember I loved a lot of things (still do) like dancing (which I was never cut out to do), and drawing and singing. That's pretty much all I have memories of.
I don't believe myself to be artistic- I believe I WANT to be, but was never good enough. But WHY am I putting myself in this mental prison. There are "worst art" everywhere, and the creators believe in themselves, so why can't I. And what's more, I can do fine when I try.
These few months I've been back and forth about the type of job I should apply for and thinking about what I want, what everyone would be satisfied with, and what makes sense to the society; it's a constant struggle. I am not actively telling people what I have been thinking about this past months because I know people don't exactly agree with me- they don't see why or what or HOW I am going to achieve what I want, when I don't KNOW exactly what I want.
I know if I say "give me more time" people will say, "you already had a LOT of time". That's not exactly true. This few months I've been pretty lost because of all the variation of inputs around me, mine included. I know it's not fair to blame it on others. But you know how doctors always say that the support of friends and family helps with the recovery of a patient? I need that support to move on and forward, instead of the constant denying of myself. I hate it. I hate that I don't know which to choose and which direction to go because I care about what others think, and I keep pulling myself back- and I'm neither here not there.
Photo taken from choosemust.com
Since young, I've always been told by my mum that I'm a drawer, even though I have no recollection of my artistic self when I was young. I only remembered crying ever so sadly when I was first left in an art class (or any other classes) that my mum registered me for. I don't know how many classes I took before I quit. I remember I loved a lot of things (still do) like dancing (which I was never cut out to do), and drawing and singing. That's pretty much all I have memories of.
I don't believe myself to be artistic- I believe I WANT to be, but was never good enough. But WHY am I putting myself in this mental prison. There are "worst art" everywhere, and the creators believe in themselves, so why can't I. And what's more, I can do fine when I try.
These few months I've been back and forth about the type of job I should apply for and thinking about what I want, what everyone would be satisfied with, and what makes sense to the society; it's a constant struggle. I am not actively telling people what I have been thinking about this past months because I know people don't exactly agree with me- they don't see why or what or HOW I am going to achieve what I want, when I don't KNOW exactly what I want.
I know if I say "give me more time" people will say, "you already had a LOT of time". That's not exactly true. This few months I've been pretty lost because of all the variation of inputs around me, mine included. I know it's not fair to blame it on others. But you know how doctors always say that the support of friends and family helps with the recovery of a patient? I need that support to move on and forward, instead of the constant denying of myself. I hate it. I hate that I don't know which to choose and which direction to go because I care about what others think, and I keep pulling myself back- and I'm neither here not there.
“People will kill you over time, and how they’ll kill you is with tiny, harmless phrases, like ‘be realistic.”I don't go telling people everything I'm doing anymore like I used to. Because (some) people puts me down, and because I don't want to keep keeping up with all the little failures I face for each application I send. Because I want to answer to myself instead of the people around me. Yes, you can say that I'm selfish, but who isn't. And who has the right to tell me not to do what I like doing? How frustrating it is to have to explain to people and yet have to deal with their distaste of my actions and thoughts without considering the things I have to go through, which, might not be much for you, but is driving me crazy.
— Dylan Moran
Tuesday, April 28, 2015
Fifth month of being a jobless graduate.
There's so much going on in my mind this past few months. Although I haven't had any idea where or what I really want to do as a career, I have discovered (once again) the wonderful platform of the Internet. These days spent at home I have learnt so much. Everyone around me (including myself) has been giving me unspoken pressure about getting a job. I can't tell you confidently that I know what I'm doing, or if what I'm doing is going to lead to anything solid, but I know that I'm working on understanding myself- and only then will I know what I want.
I love art, even though I might be bad at it. I'm not consistent; in my "works", or what I like, or what I think, but I love art. It's such a weird thing to say or tell people, because there's no real physical evidence of this love. I always end up giving up because I think I'm not good enough- I am not confident; I don't know where to start; I don't know where to go; I don't know what I can or should do... Excuses after excuses. I never really make any progress, but instead forever walking around in circles. No one really treat these thoughts of mine seriously. I know friends and family wouldn't put me down, but no one's pushing either; so I stay stagnant.
I don't know if the phrase "Jack of all trades, master of none" suits my situation because I don't really think my knowledge in the random things are really good enough to be considered as knowledge- I think them more like random ingredients I picked up along the way, and I don't have enough to cook up a good dish. I really want to be able to excel at at least one thing, but I'm unable to just focus on one (lol, typical me). But with time I wish that I'll be able to build knowledge and experience for all the things I love.
There's so much going on in my mind this past few months. Although I haven't had any idea where or what I really want to do as a career, I have discovered (once again) the wonderful platform of the Internet. These days spent at home I have learnt so much. Everyone around me (including myself) has been giving me unspoken pressure about getting a job. I can't tell you confidently that I know what I'm doing, or if what I'm doing is going to lead to anything solid, but I know that I'm working on understanding myself- and only then will I know what I want.
I love art, even though I might be bad at it. I'm not consistent; in my "works", or what I like, or what I think, but I love art. It's such a weird thing to say or tell people, because there's no real physical evidence of this love. I always end up giving up because I think I'm not good enough- I am not confident; I don't know where to start; I don't know where to go; I don't know what I can or should do... Excuses after excuses. I never really make any progress, but instead forever walking around in circles. No one really treat these thoughts of mine seriously. I know friends and family wouldn't put me down, but no one's pushing either; so I stay stagnant.
I don't know if the phrase "Jack of all trades, master of none" suits my situation because I don't really think my knowledge in the random things are really good enough to be considered as knowledge- I think them more like random ingredients I picked up along the way, and I don't have enough to cook up a good dish. I really want to be able to excel at at least one thing, but I'm unable to just focus on one (lol, typical me). But with time I wish that I'll be able to build knowledge and experience for all the things I love.
It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop.
— Confucius
Tuesday, April 7, 2015
In the month of March, I have stumbled upon some really inspirational talk, people, and websites. Just thought I'll list down all the resources for future references, or for anyone who's stuck in a rut, if any at all.
1. JESSICA HISCHE (TYPOGRAPHER)
"It's so liberating to be able to make anything you want to make. And it's not scary. People try to make it into this scary super [sic] nerdy thing."This is the first video that opened up the black hole that I fell into subsequently. The title was what led me to click on the video- "Grab the Reins and F*cking Do it". Basically she talked about how technology and art should be an integral part of each other. A lot of times the things we like aren't everything there is to it. There's bound to be some parts where we don't like or understand, and we avoid it as much as possible because it seems "impossible" to learn. But you just need to start doing/ learning it, because many times it's easier than you think, and it makes life easier and more efficient for you and everyone else.
- Jessica Hische
I love her talks. She's so animated and funny and has a really strong passion for her work and the industry. I'm never someone who can sit through talks, but this woman is really great at talking (and obviously at what she does as a typographer, and graphic designer, etc). Note: She re-designed the font (Edwardian script) used for Wes Anderson's movie "Moonrise Kingdom"!
I watched a few of her talks but I think this would be the most comprehensive and most relatable of all. So take a look if you would like to be inspired. (And her batman analogy make sense, never thought of batman that way before. LOL)
"The work that you do while you procrastinate is probably the work you should be doing for the rest of your life."
- Jessica Hische
2. SHIAO YIN (OF THOUGHT COLLECTIVE)
Another talk that I enjoyed was by this Singaporean woman who is one of the owners of Thought Collective, or maybe better known by one of their sub-brands, Food for Thought. I was really intrigued by her because her description of her younger self reminds me SO MUCH of myself:
"I was full of anxiety, full of fear. I was scared of a whole bunch of things; I was scared of speaking in front of a crowd, I was scared of taking a risk, I was scared of losing money, I was scared of standing out; you name it, I had all of these fears. /.../ And if you're a person who's full of fears, you generally don't make active choices in your life. Life sort of happens to you, people make the choices you kind of follow along because you're so scared of things that it feels kind of safe when people make choices for you."Her journey sounds like such a huge bet but she and her friends kept pushing on with the mindset that not everyone has- "It's just money". (I know right...it's just money.)
- Shiao Yin
3. DAWN NG (MULTIMEDIA ARTIST)
I'm pretty sure everyone knows or have seen her art pieces, the most famous ones being the light installation "Hello Stranger" and "Walter" the bunny displayed at Singapore Art Museum. (Not sure if they are still there) I really love her work because it's not abstract (and therefore understandable. hahahaha). You can see her works on her website here, and the talk she had at Creative Morning below.
4. WES ANDERSON; "THE GRAND BUDAPEST HOTEL"
Photo taken from Google
I know I'm late on this bandwagon/ cult thing but I finally watched "The Grand Budapest Hotel" and it blew my mind. All the details and thought that went into it was just OMG. (The fact that they built the whole set in an huge abandoned shopping mall?!? What??) Also, I love how there is a huge number of casts but all the characters still fitted really well with the plot, and it's not overwhelming in a bad way. I especially love that they played with the screen ratio for representing the different time periods. Seriously, I could go on and on about this movie.
But but but, what inspired me personally was when I watched the behind-the-scenes and interview where Wes Anderson gives really clear-cut directions to the actors and crew. It's so cool because it suddenly struck me that you don't really have to be the hands to your own ideas all the time. As long as you have the brain, you could still do art (in this case) with the hands of someone else. Okay, I know that doesn't sound like a good analogy to anything because it's not exactly the right thinking (and also a contradiction to number 1), but.. that thought itself is liberating- you are not alone.
5. RESOURCES AND ETC.
Other than all the talks, I've also stumbled upon some really great resource sites. And one program.
a) CODECADEMY- Learn coding online! From HTML, CSS to JavaScript, PHP, Ruby, etc. It's free, has practical lessons (that's helpful), nice interface/ web design, and is really simple to understand.
b) CREAVTIVE LIVE- Free live lessons for Creatives (as the name suggests...). They have lessons from crafts to design to finance. All the live lessons allows you to ask questions and chat with other audiences that's tuning in. The only downside is that most of the lessons are conducted at 12am to 7am Singapore time. I heard from one of the users that they replay the classes for free 1 hour (?) after it ends. After which they will charge you for "purchasing" the class. So I guess, either don't sleep, wake up early or just pay for it.
c) ADOBE ILLUSTRATOR- Okay, I know I'm late in this game, again, as usual. I really love the flexibility of Illustrator as compared to Photoshop. (But then again they are of a different purpose; one vector-based and the other pixel.) Shall not further disgrace myself by raving about the features.
Phew, finally done. That's all for now! Till the next post, bye!
Thursday, March 26, 2015
I am not the girl you win over
by calling 47 times when I said
I’m not interested in a date,
I am not the girl you catch by
chasing around when I told you
I am running towards a future
that has nothing to do with you,
because I am the woman who
means it when she says no,
and I’m not playing hard to get,
I’m being honest when I say that
I can keep myself warm at night
until I find someone who thrills
me with a single touch, and
you are not that person.
-mynameiselly
Tuesday, March 3, 2015
No, this post isn't about Mr Lee Kuan Yew, this post is about the impact of his death, or death in general. Death is such a weird thing; it happens in an instant (figuratively speaking)- when the heart stops beating and one stops breathing. One second you are alive and the next... you are gone, forever. The idea of "ceasing to exist" doesn't really sink in very well for me. Not to be overly blunt (or rude or cynical) but does the passing of someone, someone who's not part of our life, really affect us? Why do people become so concerned and so bonded over a death all of a sudden? Is it because they really care? Or is it because everyone else is? Or... maybe it's just because it's a life lost?
To be honest, we probably will not notice the disappearance of a person unless he or she is someone we encounter often, if not every day. I mean, how long does the impact of death last? The celebration of the good and the positivity of a life. How long do people say nice things about them and appreciate them for the good they were when they were alive? Why do people only appreciate someone, out loud, through eulogies at funerals but not when they were alive? Are people hypocrites? Probably, myself included.
Wouldn't it be nice to be able to hear your eulogy read to you, when you still can hear it (but of course, it wouldn't be called a "eulogy" then). Appreciating someone should come when it happens, not for you to make a mental note like "Oh, this person did this, I'm going to remember to add that to the list of good things he/she did!" Why wouldn't you just say it, express your gratitude and appreciation then and there? Why wait? What are you waiting for? Why don't we cherish our time alive and do, and say, what we want to instead of waiting for the time to be right, or, in extreme, when the time comes for us to draft our eulogies for someone?
I think, if you think about death a lot, you might become braver; for what can be worst than death itself- the end of everything.
To be honest, we probably will not notice the disappearance of a person unless he or she is someone we encounter often, if not every day. I mean, how long does the impact of death last? The celebration of the good and the positivity of a life. How long do people say nice things about them and appreciate them for the good they were when they were alive? Why do people only appreciate someone, out loud, through eulogies at funerals but not when they were alive? Are people hypocrites? Probably, myself included.
Wouldn't it be nice to be able to hear your eulogy read to you, when you still can hear it (but of course, it wouldn't be called a "eulogy" then). Appreciating someone should come when it happens, not for you to make a mental note like "Oh, this person did this, I'm going to remember to add that to the list of good things he/she did!" Why wouldn't you just say it, express your gratitude and appreciation then and there? Why wait? What are you waiting for? Why don't we cherish our time alive and do, and say, what we want to instead of waiting for the time to be right, or, in extreme, when the time comes for us to draft our eulogies for someone?
I think, if you think about death a lot, you might become braver; for what can be worst than death itself- the end of everything.
Sunday, March 1, 2015
For a moment,
I wonder if the people I knew remember me the way I remember them.
I wonder if they hesitated to smile or say hi when we pass each other on the streets, just like how I do all the time.
I wonder if people remember me like how I remember them, even the ones I never spoked to but only saw a few times or knew by face.
Actually, most of all, I wonder about the people who used to share their thoughts and secrets with me will remember me or the exchanges we once had at a point in time.
I remember the randomest of people, the randomest of memories.
I wonder if the people I knew remember me the way I remember them.
I wonder if they hesitated to smile or say hi when we pass each other on the streets, just like how I do all the time.
I wonder if people remember me like how I remember them, even the ones I never spoked to but only saw a few times or knew by face.
Actually, most of all, I wonder about the people who used to share their thoughts and secrets with me will remember me or the exchanges we once had at a point in time.
I remember the randomest of people, the randomest of memories.