Thursday, May 14, 2015
I just watched a talk by Elle Luna on Creative Morning (article version here) and here I am, eager to type out what's on my mind.
Since young, I've always been told by my mum that I'm a drawer, even though I have no recollection of my artistic self when I was young. I only remembered crying ever so sadly when I was first left in an art class (or any other classes) that my mum registered me for. I don't know how many classes I took before I quit. I remember I loved a lot of things (still do) like dancing (which I was never cut out to do), and drawing and singing. That's pretty much all I have memories of.
I don't believe myself to be artistic- I believe I WANT to be, but was never good enough. But WHY am I putting myself in this mental prison. There are "worst art" everywhere, and the creators believe in themselves, so why can't I. And what's more, I can do fine when I try.
These few months I've been back and forth about the type of job I should apply for and thinking about what I want, what everyone would be satisfied with, and what makes sense to the society; it's a constant struggle. I am not actively telling people what I have been thinking about this past months because I know people don't exactly agree with me- they don't see why or what or HOW I am going to achieve what I want, when I don't KNOW exactly what I want.
I know if I say "give me more time" people will say, "you already had a LOT of time". That's not exactly true. This few months I've been pretty lost because of all the variation of inputs around me, mine included. I know it's not fair to blame it on others. But you know how doctors always say that the support of friends and family helps with the recovery of a patient? I need that support to move on and forward, instead of the constant denying of myself. I hate it. I hate that I don't know which to choose and which direction to go because I care about what others think, and I keep pulling myself back- and I'm neither here not there.
Photo taken from choosemust.com
Since young, I've always been told by my mum that I'm a drawer, even though I have no recollection of my artistic self when I was young. I only remembered crying ever so sadly when I was first left in an art class (or any other classes) that my mum registered me for. I don't know how many classes I took before I quit. I remember I loved a lot of things (still do) like dancing (which I was never cut out to do), and drawing and singing. That's pretty much all I have memories of.
I don't believe myself to be artistic- I believe I WANT to be, but was never good enough. But WHY am I putting myself in this mental prison. There are "worst art" everywhere, and the creators believe in themselves, so why can't I. And what's more, I can do fine when I try.
These few months I've been back and forth about the type of job I should apply for and thinking about what I want, what everyone would be satisfied with, and what makes sense to the society; it's a constant struggle. I am not actively telling people what I have been thinking about this past months because I know people don't exactly agree with me- they don't see why or what or HOW I am going to achieve what I want, when I don't KNOW exactly what I want.
I know if I say "give me more time" people will say, "you already had a LOT of time". That's not exactly true. This few months I've been pretty lost because of all the variation of inputs around me, mine included. I know it's not fair to blame it on others. But you know how doctors always say that the support of friends and family helps with the recovery of a patient? I need that support to move on and forward, instead of the constant denying of myself. I hate it. I hate that I don't know which to choose and which direction to go because I care about what others think, and I keep pulling myself back- and I'm neither here not there.
“People will kill you over time, and how they’ll kill you is with tiny, harmless phrases, like ‘be realistic.”I don't go telling people everything I'm doing anymore like I used to. Because (some) people puts me down, and because I don't want to keep keeping up with all the little failures I face for each application I send. Because I want to answer to myself instead of the people around me. Yes, you can say that I'm selfish, but who isn't. And who has the right to tell me not to do what I like doing? How frustrating it is to have to explain to people and yet have to deal with their distaste of my actions and thoughts without considering the things I have to go through, which, might not be much for you, but is driving me crazy.
— Dylan Moran