Thursday, July 7, 2016
“I realized a long time ago, with a certain amazement, that no mattter how important something is in your life, no matter how huge it is, how much space it takes up in your heart and in your thoughts, unless you mention it to other people, they have no idea it exists."Missed opportunities are missed opportunities. There's no getting it back. Maybe a similar opportunity may be offered, but it'll be different- different context, different time, different me. My heart aches for the missed opportunities that I have to say goodbye to. Because I have to acknowledge the end before it has even started.
-Sharon Shinn
Friday, June 3, 2016
I find it painful that I can't put all my scattered thoughts into a whole piece of writing that flows. My mind just doesn't work that way. I can't even finish a thought and classify it done, much less try to connect it all into a string of words. So.. this year shall just be. Bye.
Tuesday, May 31, 2016
If I could choose,
I wouldn't choose this life.
If I could choose,
I would do it differently all over again.
If I could choose,
I would go back in time and tell me to be me.
No need to be mature, or considering of consequences.
If I could choose,
I would choose to be blind and deaf to these things around me.
If I could choose,
I would choose to be hard-hearted and selfish,
minus all the guilt.
If I could choose,
I would choose not to love the people who doesn't, and will not,
love me back.
If I could choose,
I would choose to live for myself, and only,
for myself.
If only I could choose.
I wouldn't choose this life.
If I could choose,
I would do it differently all over again.
If I could choose,
I would go back in time and tell me to be me.
No need to be mature, or considering of consequences.
If I could choose,
I would choose to be blind and deaf to these things around me.
If I could choose,
I would choose to be hard-hearted and selfish,
minus all the guilt.
If I could choose,
I would choose not to love the people who doesn't, and will not,
love me back.
If I could choose,
I would choose to live for myself, and only,
for myself.
If only I could choose.
Sunday, February 7, 2016
It's only the start of February, but I already feel like it's going to be a great year (or so I hope). If 2014 was mundane, 2015 was... even worst. Small excitements here and there, but mostly disappointments and embarrassment. But luckily, this year feels like it will be different; more exciting and positive.
2016 began with a trip to Japan; a place I never thought about visiting, and definitely not flying alone (albeit only for transit). Though I wouldn't say it's the best of my trips, it was still an experience, a good start to the year. My first winter, first flight alone, first concert, first language-barrier experience. Getting a job right after I came back was even more unexpected! I believe it was good timing. I am so grateful for so much; meeting people that I can click with; new and ex colleagues alike, a job opportunity for something that I truly like, chance to do and explore what I want to and love to. I'll do well to remember all of these in the hard times that's definitely going to come sooner or later in the year.
We'll do better this year.
2016 began with a trip to Japan; a place I never thought about visiting, and definitely not flying alone (albeit only for transit). Though I wouldn't say it's the best of my trips, it was still an experience, a good start to the year. My first winter, first flight alone, first concert, first language-barrier experience. Getting a job right after I came back was even more unexpected! I believe it was good timing. I am so grateful for so much; meeting people that I can click with; new and ex colleagues alike, a job opportunity for something that I truly like, chance to do and explore what I want to and love to. I'll do well to remember all of these in the hard times that's definitely going to come sooner or later in the year.
We'll do better this year.
Thursday, August 13, 2015
22 and I am still the same person I was years before- with the same "sincerity and honesty will win people over" mentality. Maybe it's time to grow out of that; maybe ability is more important than being sincere and having ideas is more important than honesty. I can't keep trying to comfort myself by telling myself that people will accept me by being real, because let's be real (no pun intended)- you cannot survive with just your heart, you need your brain.
Wednesday, June 10, 2015
I have all these thoughts in my mind and I don't know how they match up. Or maybe I do, I just keep suppressing them. I watched Ingrid Nilsen's coming out video earlier and I understand her stress of suppression because of society's views. (No, I'm not gay.)
I want to
"We all deserve our best chances." -Ingrid NilsenI'm forcing and stressing myself too much (and not doing anything about it). My mind keeps pulling and pushing between what I want to do and what I need to do; and I'm just stuck in between. After all these months I feel like I'm still not really doing what I want to do with enough resolution. I don't let myself fully enjoy doing what I want to do even though I have ALL the time to. I limit myself mentally even though I HAD time and space and the ability to do, because people disapproves, and people are judging. To a certain extent these are just excuses, but all I have in mind is "I need to find a job. I need to find a job. I need to find a job."
I want to
Thursday, May 14, 2015
I just watched a talk by Elle Luna on Creative Morning (article version here) and here I am, eager to type out what's on my mind.
Since young, I've always been told by my mum that I'm a drawer, even though I have no recollection of my artistic self when I was young. I only remembered crying ever so sadly when I was first left in an art class (or any other classes) that my mum registered me for. I don't know how many classes I took before I quit. I remember I loved a lot of things (still do) like dancing (which I was never cut out to do), and drawing and singing. That's pretty much all I have memories of.
I don't believe myself to be artistic- I believe I WANT to be, but was never good enough. But WHY am I putting myself in this mental prison. There are "worst art" everywhere, and the creators believe in themselves, so why can't I. And what's more, I can do fine when I try.
These few months I've been back and forth about the type of job I should apply for and thinking about what I want, what everyone would be satisfied with, and what makes sense to the society; it's a constant struggle. I am not actively telling people what I have been thinking about this past months because I know people don't exactly agree with me- they don't see why or what or HOW I am going to achieve what I want, when I don't KNOW exactly what I want.
I know if I say "give me more time" people will say, "you already had a LOT of time". That's not exactly true. This few months I've been pretty lost because of all the variation of inputs around me, mine included. I know it's not fair to blame it on others. But you know how doctors always say that the support of friends and family helps with the recovery of a patient? I need that support to move on and forward, instead of the constant denying of myself. I hate it. I hate that I don't know which to choose and which direction to go because I care about what others think, and I keep pulling myself back- and I'm neither here not there.
Photo taken from choosemust.com
Since young, I've always been told by my mum that I'm a drawer, even though I have no recollection of my artistic self when I was young. I only remembered crying ever so sadly when I was first left in an art class (or any other classes) that my mum registered me for. I don't know how many classes I took before I quit. I remember I loved a lot of things (still do) like dancing (which I was never cut out to do), and drawing and singing. That's pretty much all I have memories of.
I don't believe myself to be artistic- I believe I WANT to be, but was never good enough. But WHY am I putting myself in this mental prison. There are "worst art" everywhere, and the creators believe in themselves, so why can't I. And what's more, I can do fine when I try.
These few months I've been back and forth about the type of job I should apply for and thinking about what I want, what everyone would be satisfied with, and what makes sense to the society; it's a constant struggle. I am not actively telling people what I have been thinking about this past months because I know people don't exactly agree with me- they don't see why or what or HOW I am going to achieve what I want, when I don't KNOW exactly what I want.
I know if I say "give me more time" people will say, "you already had a LOT of time". That's not exactly true. This few months I've been pretty lost because of all the variation of inputs around me, mine included. I know it's not fair to blame it on others. But you know how doctors always say that the support of friends and family helps with the recovery of a patient? I need that support to move on and forward, instead of the constant denying of myself. I hate it. I hate that I don't know which to choose and which direction to go because I care about what others think, and I keep pulling myself back- and I'm neither here not there.
“People will kill you over time, and how they’ll kill you is with tiny, harmless phrases, like ‘be realistic.”I don't go telling people everything I'm doing anymore like I used to. Because (some) people puts me down, and because I don't want to keep keeping up with all the little failures I face for each application I send. Because I want to answer to myself instead of the people around me. Yes, you can say that I'm selfish, but who isn't. And who has the right to tell me not to do what I like doing? How frustrating it is to have to explain to people and yet have to deal with their distaste of my actions and thoughts without considering the things I have to go through, which, might not be much for you, but is driving me crazy.
— Dylan Moran