1.
“You just use the future to escape the present."
- John Green, Looking for Alaska

I used to think that when I finally grow up, I will and want to leave this place. To do what I want and live alone because I don't like other people's opinions to affect my choices and the way I decide to do things. Or vice versa. I rather be alone than to be hurt by people, and to hurt people close to me. And that, for as far as I remember, was the only way I thought; that when I grow up, I'll be able to choose to be alone. But the day I realize that I can't, I guess that's when I "grew up". I can't escape this life, or the people I call family. No matter how far I may run, they are still a part of my life. I'll still feel the responsibility to take care of them, one way or another. There's no total escape from reality, no matter how determined you might be.

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2.
Last year I was put in the shoe of being an "adult" as an (assistant) instructor/ teacher to a bunch of secondary school students. I was a little dumbfounded when they asked me about some questions and in my mind I was thinking "Hmm, I don't know the answer either..." Why do we think that by being an "adult" (defined by the age of being 21 and above), we should or would know the answers to everything, if not most things? Being of legal age doesn't cause changes in us immediately; we don't immediately become wiser, we don't make better decisions and choices along with the strike of the clock, we don't suddenly know what we want in life. We don't change all of a sudden, but we are expected to.

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3.
I remember when I was young I used to think (and have argued with the adults) that "Why can this person do this and why can't I? Is it because he is older?" Because they are older they can do things they choose to and I can't because I'm younger? What bullshit is that. Bullshit still exist even if I am older now. (I am still younger than everyone who is "older". Pfft)

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4.
I so badly want to make this special, somehow, for myself. But.. so many thoughts have put me off it. And thoughts have put me off finishing this too.

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5.
I'm thinking of writing letters to my friends, whether those I still contact everyday, those I just got to know, or those who I seldom or used to contact. But the thought of it is draining. Not physically but emotionally. Mmm.

And that one friend, that I don't know if should have ever be considered a friend at all, I'll always regret. Those recurring dreams of us making up and explaining things instead of you giving me dirty looks for absolutely no reasons at all. I wonder if we met now it'll still be the same. I wonder if it was an age thing. I wonder if we had some sort of misunderstanding or miscommunication.

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