1. 2013 started with so much excitement, expectations and uncertainty.

I remember “counting down” last year at the war memorial monument with sparklers and a burnt thumb with the usual welfare ex comm. I remember randomly talking about the next New Year Eve (today); where and how we’ll be spending it and with who. I remember the fact that I can’t wait for internship to end, for our Taiwan trip to happen, for graduation (where no one will be attending), for the after-it-all-where-should-we-go. I remember feeling like I don’t know what the second half of my 2013 will be like, who I’ll meet, where I’ll be, what I’ll be doing, because my plans for 2013 ends in June (May actually). I remember feeling excited, even for the things I’m scared and nervous about. I was at least feeling positive and optimistic.

Not this year though, nah.

I’m just sitting at home, writing this loooong essay, where I’m sure no one will read, not everything at least. And, knowing that, I numbered the paragraphs in term of themes and topics. Ha. Really too free.

Let’s start!

2.    Friends and Strangers and People

I think this year I’ve met so many people and made so many friends from ITP, to part time job(s), to university, to online social media like Instagram (well, kind of anyway). And it’s pretty amazing how some of us are still in contact with the friends we’ve made from internship, and how our (poly clique) meet ups usually end up back on topics related to the hotel industry and the experiences we had.

I remember saying that the first half of the year was all the goodbyes, and the second half was all the hellos! And true enough I met most of the new friends this year from June onwards. I feel like these people I met are so different from my usual friends. (I mean the friendship/ relationship) You know, like how we always tease and be so mean to each other because we’ve known each other for quite some time, and this new group of people are pretty nice and sweet (not always, not all.. *erhhmm* but mostly), and I hope that’s not just on the surface. Especially the classmates…

Am grateful for those who were there for the year; and also for those who “left”, thank you. At least I clearly know where I stand. At least we don’t have to pretend. Nah, don’t be sorry. Life is as it is (as according to Robert Frost): “It goes on.”

3.    School

School is honestly such a society thing. Ok… that does not make sense. I meant that school just feel like it’s mandatory, it’s something everyone SHOULD go through, just because society says so. But I seriously feel like it’s literally killing me, like I can’t breathe, like how I’m so fearful of being under water, how I just hyperventilate and get anxiety attacks at the mere mention of the word “school” and “assignments” and “exams” (Ok, I don’t really hyperventilate, but it makes me feels damn anxious). And then no one really knows what I’m talking about. You must be looking at this and rolling your eyes and thinking “Seriously Esther, is it THAT exaggerating??” Pretty much, yes.

4.    Age

I’m 20 this year. And I don’t feel like it. I even forget that I am. Age doesn’t change anyone; it's just a number, and your experiences are based on you, not your age. Well, you might know more about the politics, the tax and the bills (lol), but…other than that I don’t think age explains anything. Being older doesn’t mean anything special. It doesn’t define your experiences. And being older doesn’t make you cleverer or more sensible in terms of handling situations. Being a (one-time) part time assistant instructor in a school made me realize this. When the students ask you for help and you’re like “Oh my god, I don’t know the answer either. What should I do?” It’s a sudden realization that I probably should know what I’m doing by now, by this age. Damnnn. Nope, I don’t. Still don’t. I don’t think I will for quite a while. (So stop asking me what I want to do after graduation. Don’t.) Do you? (<- funny question, cause no one’s going to answer that.)

5.    “Matchmaking” and “relationships”

Honestly I don’t know how to start this topic or how much I should be saying, or why am I addressing this at all. It feels kind of awkward to be addressing this in a blog post. LOL. Oh whatever. 2013 has got to be the most “eventful” one thus far in my life. (Eventful as in lots of “situations/ incidents”, not a lot of “people”) Actually I think since internship last year. I don’t even know why or how come. I think it’s the aunties and uncles at work. (Only older people do things such as matchmaking right…) And seriouslyyyyy (I mean really) I don’t feel happy about it (the thought of it, yea, but not about the situation), I feel more like awkward and uncomfortable and just feel bad and a little ridiculous and… urm just ridiculously funny in a sense. Funny as in the way we’re going in circles, if you know what I mean. *insert song*

To those that I think will read this:

Disclamer: I'm not blaming anyone, other than myself. 

Please stop asking me about this someone else’s life. I don’t know anything. Nothing. The way that someone (specific someone) asked me that made me feel a bit pissed but well, I held my tongue (or my fingers...). And the funniest of all things?? We're not even together, not even for a split second. If you ever thought we were, you were probably imagining it... >_<" It's like you're asking me where my primary school friend is at this moment, how the hell would I know? I wonder do people ask him these questions too. Do you people actually tell him about me too? If not, why am I the only one "suffering" from this? I do not have the intention of knowing anymore. I’m no longer curious. (No, I don’t mean I’m angry, I don’t mean we’re no longer friends. I just mean that we’re...just friends..?)  People around me are the ones updating me. I did and said everything because I didn’t want the people and friends around us/me to be awkward. I made the mistake of being too open about this issue and it is obviously my fault. But if you guys truly do care about my feelings, stop feeling sorry for me, stop feeling angry/annoyed over the incident(s), stop treating me like I’m hurt. I’m okay. And all these just feels like it’s a lifetime ago. Let's move on. Woo~! ^^

6.    2014

I actually wrote a cynical paragraph and thought better of it. I don’t want to read back on this post and be like all bitchy. Hahaha. These few days/ weeks I’ve been pretty emotional. What a way to end the year. Woohoo~ So many things are going through my head and I feel like I need a break. Like literally. My holiday just consists of all the heavy-hearted feelings and sadness and regrets and fear of the new year. And I feel like I’ve been feeling like this for the longest time. I don’t know when the hell these feelings will fade or disappear or get better. Maybe it never will, not fully I don’t think. This is my life so I guess I can only live with it. The future doesn’t and will not help me escape my past.

OHKAYY. Moving on. 2014.

I think this year is going to be different, like scarily different. Going 21 in 6 months’ time seems pretty absurd to me (even though it’s literally just a number). You will never guess how much of a child I am, how ironic my life is. I can’t even begin to tell you how I even survived. I don’t even know how I got here, and suddenly I’m going to be an adult? I don’t even think I really experienced being a teenager and suddenly I’m jumping to the adult part? This year is going to be such a journey. I can’t wait (no, not really).

2014 will be pretty much all assignments and exams and classes *hyperventilates* the whole year. There’s a few “resolutions” that I feel like fulfilling and writing it down for me to look back to, because last year’s resolution was basically “be happy” and that’s pretty retarded. I should have at least listed some things to look back on to be happy about… *roll eyes*

Here goes…

a. Every year, I make a promise to myself to be honest (seriously, I only have 2 things that I’m good at- being honest, and being stubborn). And obviously this year, it’s staying that way. Sorry (in advance) if it’s going to hurt!

b. Do my best for assignments because after this year, education will be over (plus one more term next year, hopefully). And I’ll probably start to dislike working life and also probably regret not doing well or putting in enough effort for school. So...yeah. Don't regret.

c. Learn to appreciate the things/food I didn't like. (This was part of last year’s. I think I did ok, like being rained on everywhere I go...)

d. Remember that breathing in itself is enough. As long as you’re breathing, you’ll be fine.

e. Language (Korean) learning- stop being lazy and go use the damn dictionary/ translator and write it down! In just ONE place, please. Thank you. I’m sure I’ll improve by the end of the year this way, without help, sadly.

f. Be happy. About… good music, cold weathers, and beautiful sunsets. About the ability to create- art, literature, videos, photos, music. Ability to learn- languages, humans, the way the world works, knowledge. Ability to read and understand in 3 languages (well 2 completely but yeah…).

7. 21st “Party”

21^st next year. Not looking forward. I don’t look forward to festivals and celebrations anymore. Damn… it just brings another wave of thoughts of ‘what ifs’, ‘maybes’, and ‘probably nots’. I just want people to be honest and tell me things they want to say.

So for my 21^st, I don’t need fancy parties, surprises or expensive presents. Heck, I don’t even need you to be here with me, just tell me something honest and true. Like as if I’m dying, tell me:

1. What you like/dislike about me.

2. A random memory of me/us.

3. Whatever you want to say to me but were always hesitant about. Like “You’re damn loud and noisy and I hate you.” (Mmmhmm)

Honestly I don't know if I'll want to have any sort of gathering. Pretty lazy and pointless because I'm sure there'll be other people planning their own party so the people that will be attending will be the same anyway.

And. Last, but not least. Do not send me a message with just 3 letters “HBD”. I repeat. Do not. (Neither does H21BD sound better)

Ok, I’m done with this superrrrr long post. Took up 3½  page on Microsoft Word. Lol. If you’ve read everything, thank you! Hehe. *waves*

Cheers

Esther